I stay home with Sam all day, so I have had a lot of time to think--too much time, in fact. I told Mike that I would be expecting a smallish gift, although I'm sure he would have done something anyway. I told him I would be happy with whatever he found for me, as long as he thought it through.
Mike has been taking a very full load this semester. It's his last semester of law school, and he's inches away from graduating with high honors (as opposed to regular honors), which means some serious self-imposed pressure is on. Not only that, he's working 20 hours a week for Davis County. That includes an hour+ drive to Farmington every Friday. He is the president of the Young Men's organization at church. With that comes 7-8 hours of meetings on Sundays and a weekly activity that takes several hours every Wednesday night. That doesn't include the time he takes thinking about how he can help the young men or the emails and calls he writes and fields to keep the parents aware of what their sons are doing.
So, this Valentine's Day, I set out to show Mike how much I love him. I went overboard. I think I did more than I did for him at Christmas. Actually, I know I did. Instead of one small token, I went for 5.
That's where Mike entered a game I didn't even realize I had created. The game could be called, "Show your love through gifts," or "Prove you love me by getting into my brain to see what would impress me." Poor Mike was still back at the pre-blown-up, my-wife-will-like-anything-I-get-her-because-she-said-so part of the game. I had done everything I could possibly think of to put my admiration and love for my husband on display for him. I didn't realize I expected him to do the same.
When Mike got home from a long day at school, he told me he had attempted to order my present several times, but he never actually did because he was afraid I wouldn't like it. He told me he had a plan b, and if I didn't like what he had first picked, I could take plan b. He drew me a picture because he wanted me to at least have something to look at instead of just telling me.
The picture was of a Flip camera case and charger. I looked at it and disappointedly told him I wanted plan b. A case was so practical and unromantic.
I wanted something fun and thoughtful. I wanted something that would surprise me with its novelty and brilliance. I told him his present was something I could easily pick up the next time I was at Walmart. (I feel so ugly admitting that I even thought that, and I feel uglier that I actually said it aloud.) Here he had already been hesitant to buy me a gift, and I confirmed his hesitancy by not accepting the present I had told him I would love regardless of what it was. I set him up. I set myself up.
After my rude response, and after I heartlessly reminded him of everything I had done for him, I asked him what plan b was. He sheepishly told me he was going to buy me a hose. A hose. He had asked me to pick him up a garden hose the last time I went shopping, but it was too cold for them to even carry hoses. Then he told me he was going to give me a coupon for a car wash with my new hose present.
He laughed and apologized. I could tell he felt let down and somewhat sick inside.
The entire night, I felt so sorry for myself. While he studied and worked, I made dinner and his key lime pie. I felt so picked on. As far as I could see, while everyone else in the world was celebrating the February 14th holiday, I was stuck on February 2nd, having my own little Groundhog's Day party, making dinner and cleaning up while Mike studied and worked, again.
Poor me. All Mike ever does is work hard...ugh.
I'll spare you the details of the obvious conclusion I came to after I realized what a brat I was being. My hopes were unrealistic. Mike outdoes my one day of gift giving on a daily, or even hourly, basis by working hard so I can stay home with our baby. I don't know how many times I have said that was ALL I wanted in life. If I had been more honest with myself about my own expectations, I would have realized I probably wouldn't have been completely satisfied with anything he could have gotten me.
One thing is for sure. I lost the game I created, but neither of us won. Mike got a handful of prizes, but I quickly turned them into a burden with the associated guilt I served along side his key lime pie.
Mike has been taking a very full load this semester. It's his last semester of law school, and he's inches away from graduating with high honors (as opposed to regular honors), which means some serious self-imposed pressure is on. Not only that, he's working 20 hours a week for Davis County. That includes an hour+ drive to Farmington every Friday. He is the president of the Young Men's organization at church. With that comes 7-8 hours of meetings on Sundays and a weekly activity that takes several hours every Wednesday night. That doesn't include the time he takes thinking about how he can help the young men or the emails and calls he writes and fields to keep the parents aware of what their sons are doing.
So, this Valentine's Day, I set out to show Mike how much I love him. I went overboard. I think I did more than I did for him at Christmas. Actually, I know I did. Instead of one small token, I went for 5.
That's where Mike entered a game I didn't even realize I had created. The game could be called, "Show your love through gifts," or "Prove you love me by getting into my brain to see what would impress me." Poor Mike was still back at the pre-blown-up, my-wife-will-like-anything-I-get-her-because-she-said-so part of the game. I had done everything I could possibly think of to put my admiration and love for my husband on display for him. I didn't realize I expected him to do the same.
When Mike got home from a long day at school, he told me he had attempted to order my present several times, but he never actually did because he was afraid I wouldn't like it. He told me he had a plan b, and if I didn't like what he had first picked, I could take plan b. He drew me a picture because he wanted me to at least have something to look at instead of just telling me.
The picture was of a Flip camera case and charger. I looked at it and disappointedly told him I wanted plan b. A case was so practical and unromantic.
I wanted something fun and thoughtful. I wanted something that would surprise me with its novelty and brilliance. I told him his present was something I could easily pick up the next time I was at Walmart. (I feel so ugly admitting that I even thought that, and I feel uglier that I actually said it aloud.) Here he had already been hesitant to buy me a gift, and I confirmed his hesitancy by not accepting the present I had told him I would love regardless of what it was. I set him up. I set myself up.
After my rude response, and after I heartlessly reminded him of everything I had done for him, I asked him what plan b was. He sheepishly told me he was going to buy me a hose. A hose. He had asked me to pick him up a garden hose the last time I went shopping, but it was too cold for them to even carry hoses. Then he told me he was going to give me a coupon for a car wash with my new hose present.
He laughed and apologized. I could tell he felt let down and somewhat sick inside.
The entire night, I felt so sorry for myself. While he studied and worked, I made dinner and his key lime pie. I felt so picked on. As far as I could see, while everyone else in the world was celebrating the February 14th holiday, I was stuck on February 2nd, having my own little Groundhog's Day party, making dinner and cleaning up while Mike studied and worked, again.
Poor me. All Mike ever does is work hard...ugh.
I'll spare you the details of the obvious conclusion I came to after I realized what a brat I was being. My hopes were unrealistic. Mike outdoes my one day of gift giving on a daily, or even hourly, basis by working hard so I can stay home with our baby. I don't know how many times I have said that was ALL I wanted in life. If I had been more honest with myself about my own expectations, I would have realized I probably wouldn't have been completely satisfied with anything he could have gotten me.
One thing is for sure. I lost the game I created, but neither of us won. Mike got a handful of prizes, but I quickly turned them into a burden with the associated guilt I served along side his key lime pie.
I may not have a hopelessly romantic husband, but I don't know a harder worker. I guess that means I win. My great expectations will be fulfilled in a lifetime, not some silly holiday.
7 comments:
Haha. We've been through this plenty of times. You have to train them. We have a wishlist blog where we post things we would like. I even make links so it's easy to order. My sister-in-law makes those flyers that you see all over BYU with the little tabs that you rip off to keep the phone number, only she puts gift ideas on them, and posts it in the bathroom, and then her husband can rip them off and go buy stuff.
Definitely have done this before :) I think most women have-I think it takes a few years to really figure out how to best do holidays like Valentines. Love languages and all of that.
Don't worry-everyone else wasn't having a romantic 14th-we had heart shaped pizza with the kids. Romance was the last word I'd use to describe the scene. :)
Yes, been there done that. Eventually we wisen up to what they really do for us on a daily basis and then silly holidays like February 14 don't really mean anything. Because we are busy the rest of the days showing each other that we love each other.
Really, those nice little gifts are fun, but a hard-working husband is the greatest! You can still teach him to be a romantic though.
What a nicely written, self-aware post. I have such a wise sister.
I've definitely been in this position before. Just keep working towards that eternal reward. Hope you don't mind, I picked your blog up from Harmony's.
If it makes you feel any better, my husband didn't get me anything for V-day but a night out, which was good. But, then my water broke and we went to the hospital.
My husband and I both laugh at your post though. We've had similar experiences. Then, I quickly, but clearly, outlined my expectations for Mother's Day. Ha!
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